What do you think if his response?

My son is in eighth grade and is applying for Duke TIP's Summer Studies and he wanted some critique so here is the essay prompt: Duke TIP would like to know about your academic aspirations, personal interests, and what motivates you to learn. We are interested in your writing style as well as content, so please provide a thoughtful response to the questions below.In your own words, please provide a personal statement in the space below. Address the following points:Your reasons for applying to the Duke TIP Summer Studies ProgramWhat you hope to gain from the programWhat you hope to contribute to the programJuan Sebastian Lozano Munoz, that is the name on my certificate of live birth, that is the name I still carry with me, serving as a marker as to whom I am to the rest of the world, but to those who know me well my name is not a mere indicator of its owner, it is an adjective of our slang. This is an adjective synonymous with `hard working and always seeking challenges?, it is an adjective that can describe my motives to apply to Duke?s TIP summer studies program. I want to join the community inside of Duke University that flourishes for 4 weeks in the summertime; I want to join the community inside Duke University that is not driven solely by grades, but by the actual desire to learn; I want to be able to challenge myself in a friendly and new environment.My earliest memories are of learning, not of a classroom, but of observing the world around me, seeing how I could affect it and of how it affected me. I have done this as long as I could remember, and it has taught me to be observant and conscious of my environment; it has also taught me how to interact with a huge spectrum of personalities and people. This has allowed me to become a leader among groups, yet has provided me the ability to follow through with directions in the most effective way possible. Through observing the world around me, and interacting with it, I have become a more conscientious and independent person. This in combination with my self-motivated desire to learn makes me a great student who could offer a lot to the Duke program. I was and still am the child in class who asked a million questions and formulated many more in his head, this has not changed over time, much like my desire to learn. Throughout my years in school I have found many answers, but more valuable than those answers I have found new ways to approach the questions, and in the Duke TIP program I hope to be able to find even more ways to solve the problems and answer the questions which come with frequency to my mind. I also hope to be able to peruse knowledge and skills in areas not covered in the regular curriculum of my school, this would help me understand and be able to connect to the real world as well as provide me with a benchmark of how my interest would turn into majors and eventually careers. Many of my memories share something, from the earliest of my memories to the recent ones, they all share my desire learn, discover, explore, think critically and be challenged, something that compelled me to apply for this demanding program. Duke TIP center for summer studies offers many things I hope to gain, such as new ways to look at problems, think critically, and new ways to view the world, something that has interested me since I was a small child. As an eighth grader I am preparing for High school, something this program would help me to do through its dynamic social environment and demanding courses, and I plan on one day achieving a doctoral degree. I feel I have a lot to offer to the Duke TIP program through my social and analytical skills, and I could gain a lot from its dynamic environment and courses. there was a 4000 character limit, what do you think?

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One Response to “What do you think if his response?”

  1. whatule says:

    Their are some grammatical errors one example is this sentence “they all share my desire [to] learn, discover, explore, think critically and be challenged” I added the word in the brackets that was missing. There are a lot of run on sentences that could be broken up into two or three sentences, and sometimes it sounds awkward because words are phrased weirdly like, “that is the name on my certificate of (live) birth.” parentheses around the awkward sounding word. The idea’s expressed and the dedication and determination described are all things that I would assume they were looking for, but if it’s a demanding program showing a better grasp of grammar skills would improve his chances. They may decide he would have trouble keeping up with the demanding load if he struggles with grammar issues. Unless this is due by tonight I would suggest waiting and bringing it to his English teacher at school for a more expert opinion. Overall it looks pretty good, besides the grammar issues. I’m not saying he is a bad writer by any means but they are most likely looking for people who show exceptional writing. Plus showing it to his teacher is just one more opportunity to learn something!