Undergraduate Admission Essay Advise?

I am petitioning for readmission into my university. I will be sending this in shortly. Any criticism you have will be much appreciated. Please be as detailed as you like. This is a second draft. You can rewrite or change what ever you want in order to make you suggestion clear. thxDear Admission Members,I respectfully petition for re-admission into Southern Methodist University for the fall semester of 2009. I was suspended from the university for poor academic performance just before the beginning of the 2008 fall semester. Upon my transfer to SMU I faced forms of depression, isolation and social angst; challenges that were unpredictable and my classroom performance suffered. I have since then addressed much of these issues with family support and professional attention. I would like to express all that I've learned from this experience and why I feel ready to return. There are challenges that still may arise if re-admitted and I can assure that these will be met head on with a positive attitude and determination.First and foremost, I accept full responsibility for my choices and for my poor performance. SMU gave me an opportunity to achieve a substantial education from a respectable university. Unfortunately, I squandered that opportunity through ignorance and a lack of foresight, a decision I now deeply regret. I have come to understand how valuable a college education truly is.Transferring to a new school and living alone for the first time can be difficult for anyone. Involving myself in social activities and adjusting to a new environment is a weak trait that continues to be a challenge. Because of this I isolated myself and felt social anxiety. I felt like an outcast. I became homesick. I couldn't afford my off campus apartment and tried to maintain an on campus job to pay bills. Approaching my senior year of college with a questionable major made my indecisiveness apparent. I felt frustrated because I had doubts about my goals and basically lacked focus in my college life. I became depressed and ashamed of how poor I performed in class.I sought advise from professors who informed me of available tutors at SMU's ALEC. I attended tutoring when I could and also attended workshop classes on "how to study". During a workshop I expressed how my performance in class and study habits were suffering and that is when I was turned to the Health Center. After over 8 weeks of testing, I was diagnosed with a mild state of depression with symptoms of ADD.These issues have since been addressed after my suspension from SMU. Family structure is an important aspect of life. I have decided to move back home and gain that support as opposed to the isolation I felt living on my own away at school. The goals of my college education have been addressed as well.Before my transfer, I performed well as a film major and achieved a minor in photography. My adviser and I previously discussed my motives for transferring and changing majors for a third time. We then devised and organized a constructive curriculum for my new major. I've decided to strive for a Bachelor of Arts with a Major in Computer Science. I am positive this will incorporate my interests in CS while including the strengths from my previous major in art.I've become more determined and more appreciative of the opportunity given. The pressures of school can be daunting. In order to gain a greater degree of perspective sometimes you need to take a break an regroup. I understand the reasons of my poor performance after my transfer and I accept complete responsibility. During the fall semester, I began taking three classes at a community college outside of SMU. In addition, I've also taken advantage of free online material (i.e. OpenCourseWare). Unfortunately, financial aid would not pay for spring semester. That being said, I've taken the spring semester to relax and regain focus for my possible return to SMU. The possibility of returning to SMU is excited and highly anticipated. I have a more developed frame of mind in accordance with my goals and aspiration of a college education. I believe performing at a higher level is of the utmost importance. Failure is less likely because of my motivation, determination, and improved focus.I am not perfect. Realistically, it is possible I will face various challenges if re-admitted, but this is true for every college student. I can say, I will take advantage of all necessary resources attainable by SMU. I will also try my hardest to become more social and active on campus.I cannot truly convey the regret and shame I felt about my performance while attending SMU. Being suspended was saddening and a complete embarrassment. This entire experience has been an eye opener. I was told this academic suspension was not punitive but rather a chance for a break and allows me to recover from my academic problems and I understand this completely. I am aware my circumstances are not to

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2 Responses to “Undergraduate Admission Essay Advise?”

  1. sudatories says:

    Several pieces of advice:1) Spell “advice” correctly. “Advise” is a verb, “advice” a noun.2) Make your letter about half this length. I understand that this is terribly important to you. The admissions committee, on the other hand, doesn’t have all day.3) See if you can alter the whiny tone of your letter.4) See if you can summon up actual evidence that you are likely to succeed if they re-admit you. That’s what they want to know.Best wishes!

  2. equimolecular says:

    First of all – great job!1) You own up to what happened2) You provide details of circumstancesBest paragraph: First and foremost, I accept full responsibility for my choices and for my poor performance. SMU gave me an opportunity to achieve a substantial education from a respectable university. Unfortunately, I squandered that opportunity through ignorance and a lack of foresight, a decision I now deeply regret. I have come to understand how valuable a college education truly is. I know it cut you off, but GREAT JOB! Fingers are crossed that things go smoothly.I was prepared to become very critical, but I don’t think it needs much. The only thing that bothers me is: “I am not perfect.” For some reason it doesn’t mesh with me. I would say something like, “Like every college student, I face various challenges if re-admitted and excel with my renewed growth, maturity and respect. Okay, so that’s not great either. You get the jest though.