Can you read my paragrah [about 100 words] and give me suggestions/comments of ways to improve it.?

Can you give me any comments and suggestions of ways to improve it?"We will be back soon… probably," my brother muttered under his breath, his flaring nostrils looking like a fire-breathing dragon. My stomach churned, as I was about to experience and event that may not have the happiest ending. The fishy smell of water filled the air, as my mom and brother were about to go on a roller coaster at Sea World, leaving me behind alone. The sun was setting over the horizon, turning into shaeds of red, blue and yellow. The ear-splitting screams of people falling off the drop of the roller coaster split the air, as I stayed alone on the slippery path, watching the faint figure of my mom and brother disappear in the dark. As I stood there, I didn’t know how terrifying this experience could turn into. Have you even been in a situation where every choice seems wrong?NOTE This is an intro paragraph to a autobiographical. essayCan you give me constructive critism, and ways to improve?

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2 Responses to “Can you read my paragrah [about 100 words] and give me suggestions/comments of ways to improve it.?”

  1. intestineness says:

    use more transition between sentences

  2. unanticipating says:

    First off, spelling and word agreement are important..”about to experience and event”… “and” should be “an”. Besides that the sentence is awkward with how youve written it. Change the description of your brother nostrils to help it flow better, for example, “His nostrils flaring as if on a fire-breathing dragon” or something to that effect. “Leaving me behind alone” is repetitive… take out one of the words. Your spelling of shades is wrong. Using words such as “ear-splitting” and then in the same sentence say “split the air” is also repetitive, you should change it. This is what i would write for that sentence”As I was left behind on the slippery path, listening to the screams of people plummeting through the dives on the rollercoaster, I watched the faint figure of my mom and brother disappear into the dark.” The sentence itself is weird (in my opinion) and im not sure what to change it to without changing your meaning of it. Your last sentence is also awkward… try making it something to the effect of “Standing there alone i realized i had no idea of how terrifying an experience I would have (not really sure what the story is about completely but you would change the end of the sentence to suit it.Also in the last sentence change even into ever.