Can a teacher or anyone read my college essay please?

Ok i decided to write about my college essay now, it's about my book bag describing to the college who i am, from his perspective, and also he is telling them who i am cause he's with me everyday. i would like teachers to read it more than others but i would like other people view on it thanks I’m his book bagI am carried all day from class to class, he uses me for essential items like folders which are organized with all his work and achievements he has completed for his first few months, he writes down his goals and tucks it away into the pockets in my slots. This young man is called Bill Lopez, at least that’s what I read on all the papers he gets back from teachers and stuffs in my inventory. He has currently been striving to push forward almost like bunches of windmills wrenching you back. A fine young man, I personally think my wielder carries a positive energy and reinforces good behavior. Though he’s a young and positive man who is going by high school with no difficulty, he personally states in one of the papers in my inventory and I quote "I don’t think I’ll get into a decent college".Though I can’t see how he looks for the certain fact that book bags don’t have eyeballs, I still know he has joined the yearbook committee, and newspaper committee for his last year in high school to improve his chances of getting into college, I feel I can really put trust into my wielder, mainly because he doesn’t throw me around like other students throw there book bags everywhere, golly I feel bad for the others. A lot of students complain about book bags being to heavy and blah blah blah, but think about the book bag, were also carrying you and we can get pretty exhausted, I mean how much does bill weigh, like 180. bill is often thought as shy but can also be outgoing and sometimes have the chance to make you day.

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One Response to “Can a teacher or anyone read my college essay please?”

  1. are/can says:

    I like the idea but you really have to seriously edit the text, it is very heavy and hard to read. 1) break down some of the extra long sentences (the ones with tons of commas). 2) passive voice in the beginning clashes with th rest of the sentence and makes the sentence weaker. How’s about “He carries me all day from class to class. He uses me for all essential items, like the folders.” 3). Then I’d make it more conversational. I’d continue with something like ‘Oh those folders. They are so neatly organized!” 4). Check every setntence for clarity. For example, “A fine young man, I think …” – is the book bag a young man, then?5) a BIG ONE. NEVER, EVER, EVER write anything like “he personally states in one of the papers in my inventory and I quote “I don’t think I’ll get into a decent college”.” again! That completely negates anything positive you say about yourself, and also communicates to the people reading it that you don’t think their college is a decent one! Either completely leave it out, or say something like ‘I heard him talk about how he wishes to go to a great college! I think he mentioned . Oh boy, I hope he follows through with that, it’s a book bag’s dream!”Also, I’d change the how the book bag knows things – for example, the bag could be saying how its life is never boring because Bill takes it to the yearbook comittee meetings, and a newspaper committee *because Bill is an active guy who cares* . NOT because he wants to improve his chances!I am not sure about the word wielder. It somehow sounds odd. I’d just keep saying Bill instead.I am not sure ‘reinforces good behavior’ is a good phrase to use in the context. Perhaps, ‘always tries to be the best that he be”? (or is that too cliche?)I do not understand the phrase “He has currently been striving to push forward almost like bunches of windmills wrenching you back.” whose back? Bill’s? the bag’s? Also, striving to push forward – too awkward and removed from action. Rephrase. How’s about ‘he pushes forward so hard, the wind makes me fly’? or something else, but simpler, more streamlined and clear as to what action is done/done by whom to what.In sum, make it clearer, more conversational, more positive. “I am a happy book bag. Bill carries such a positive energy! And I know I can trust him not to throw me around, like some other kids do. Golly, I feel so bad for those other book bags.”What do you mean going through high school with no difficulty – are you a good student or not? That too is a negative statement in itself. “Bill does well in high school” is a positive statement. “Bill has no difficulty in high school” is a negative one. Also, do you like studying or do you have favorite subjects? Mention that. Sometimes have the chance to make you day” has an error almost in every word. HAS the chance; YOUR day. Also, chance is not the right thing to stress here. Everybody has a chance to make somebody’s day some time. The question is if we actually use that chance, actually do that you know :) I’d actually drop the whole last sentence (Bil is shy…) – it has nothing to do with anything, I think. I’d just say something like ‘but I am not complaining. I am an active bag, and I am glad to belong to an active person. I am so looking forward to college.”