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Ok... tell me about how poorly written, how grammatically incorrect and horrible it was, but please do give me tips on how to improve my essay. Thanks!I'm 13, btw.We were learning about electronic revolutions during English when my English teacher, Miss Julia, challenged the students of my class to undergo the hardest of hardships for the teenager living in the 21st century – living without electronic revolutions for a day. The rules were simple – We were to go a day without using computers, music players, televisions, and phones. A majority of the class deemed the challenge impossible as soon as they heard about it but Miss Julia told us to treat it as a test to see if we could survive. And so we did. I chose to take up the challenge on Thursday as I had to complete my Moral assignment over the weekend. I had told my dad about the challenge the day before and he had been more than happy to help me. In fact, he was overjoyed and delighted. My father had a hard time waking me up as I usually woke up to the radio. When he finally got me to wake up after five minutes of persuasion and threats, I stumbled sleepily to the computer to turn it on, as per usual. That was when I remembered the reason I got my father to wake me up personally. So instead of turning on the computer, I got prepared to go to school earlier instead of doing it at the last minute like I usually do. After getting ready for school, I read the newspaper to pass the time while waiting for my dad to get prepared. My dad was pleasantly surprised to see me reading newspaper when he was finally done as he hadn’t seen me reading a newspaper in ages.On the way to school, I kept my father company with my endless chatter instead of the radio. Things were easier after I arrived at school as we didn’t need to use electronic gadgets at school. And so, that was how I passed 7 hours of the day effortlessly. Unfortunately, the worst was yet to come. On the way back to my uncle’s house, I had to specifically request my van driver to turn off the radio, complete with the explanation, much to my embarrassment. At my uncle’s house, I nearly forgot about the challenge and was about to switch on the television like I usually did when I was bored. Thankfully, I remembered at the last moment. To pass the time while waiting for my father to pick me up after work, I read the latest addition to my growing collection of novels.My father picked me up around 6 p.m. Although it had only been 3 hours, it felt like an entire decade had passed as my cousin was happily playing with his computer at a loud volume while I hid out in the back room. I had to remind my father to turn off the car stereo when I entered the car. My evening walk felt longer than usual without the company of my iPod although I walked for the same amount of time. After taking a bath and having dinner, which was usually the time when I spent some quality time online, I retreated to my room and revised for my upcoming Japanese exam. I soon gave up studying when it was time for my favorite television programme to be aired. Despite my best efforts, I couldn’t manage to drown out parts of the dialogue from floating into my room. It was incredibly torturous to miss out on the antics of Steve Carell playing Michael Scott, an unreasonable boss on the hit television series, "The Office". At around 11 p.m., I decided that I couldn’t bear it any longer and went to switch on the computer. Before I could switch on the computer though, an annoying voice inside of me told me that it was a challenge and turning on the computer would mean that my efforts during the whole day would go to waste. Another part of me argued that Miss Julia would not know if I turned the computer, so why not? And from there, the inner debate resumed. It concluded with my dad nagging at me to go to bed before I could arrive at a decision. Therefore, the computer remained switched off. I was relieved when I woke up on Friday morning to my radio. I celebrated my freedom by switching on the computer immediately. And I was glad that I succeeded in the challenge of going one day without electronic revolution. In conclusion, I would say that this challenge has made me realize the importance of electronic gadgets in out daily lives. Without these marvelous inventions, life as we know it would be unbearable.



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2 Responses to “Rate my essay on a scale of 1-30?”

  1. kosciol says:

    That is actually pretty impressive for thirteen. Formal writing should not be in first person, but I am assuming this is a narrative assignment, so that is okay.Your grammar and vocabulary are excellent.

  2. hurlock says:

    The storyline of the recount of your day is good. i enjoyed it. you could make the essay a bit more formal.some tips my teacher gave me:-summarise the question in intro-define key words-one new point per paragraph-the body introduces all new info-conclusion summarises your point of view, has no new info.rating=22/30